Dream

Our boy goes to school right down the street from where the kids I used to know (helped raise) live.  I see that boy on occasion.  He's in his dad's car most of the time.  I normally don't react and keep on driving.  Today they were turning and I was sitting.  I waved.  It wasn't an enthusiastic wave, just a wave of my hand.  His dad waved back, lacking the same enthusiasm.  We never really did get along. 

It's like i'm living in a dream.  Things slow down, he's right there but I can't talk to him or hug him.  I can't imagine losing one of my own children, but I have to say this is possibly pretty close.  Lately i've been thinking a lot about him.  I'm cleaning off my computer and I think the pictures are spurring the thoughts.  Before it was every few days.  Lately, it's every day.  I miss him.  I miss his sister too.  It's been two and a half years since I hung out with him. 

I wouldn't change my life as it is right now for anything.  Not even to get to spend time with him.  My life is wonderful.  My daughter, stepson and love of my life are more awesome than I could've imagined.  It's just hard to be the one that wanted to protect the kids and wanted to tell them the reality and their own mother wouldn't.  It's aggravating that that is his story, that he won't ever know the real reasons that i'm gone and out of his life.  I was miserable.  The kids were the only reason life was ok.  The kids are the reason I stayed for so long.  I fought for those kids for a VERY long time.

Just miss him.